I have refrained from mentioning my attempts at suicide so far, only cos who really needs to read the gritty details anyways, the point is i have tried Twice now, once with alot of Alcohol and then tablets, to no avail cos i think i basically passed out and well I’m still here and the Second time was on my birthday, which i had known i was going to try and do.

I don’t think Alcohol is the best method and especially not to get to a drunken state and then take a load of tablets, just makes you ridiculous and not have any control at all over the whole episode, and why would that matter you might ask? It does matter cos I’m still here, so its a messed up stupid way to do it and results in failure.

How easy is it to come to the conclusion of suicide and opting out, Most don’t give it a thought, but some people do and very often in fact daily.  Alot of people believe its not a choice you can make lightly, i believe it is, doing it isn’t always as easy.  I have become obsessed with the very idea of committing Suicide, its in my thoughts just about all of the time, ways to do it, even to the point of researching methods to make sure it works, planning too, and some kind of morbid fantasy of throwing myself off a bridge, if i lived near the Golden Gate Bridge i know i would of went there, if i would have jumped i really don’t know.

I ask myself if im depressed and i can’t seem to think i am, but am i thinking rationally when after all i want to throw myself off a nice big bridge and fly my last flight?  Possibly i am, but i don’t in all honesty feel manic depressed all the time, sometimes i feel at my happiest when I’m day dreaming about suicide and how i want to do it, and get the hell out of life, its a journey in itself battling to stay here, for others more than yourself, like being forced to stay at a ridiculous party just to make sure you don’t go spoil the party for everyone else, and have them clean up all the mess you left behind.

In the last post i mentioned a ticket we are all given, and thinking about that some more, i got to thinking how each persons ticket is really a script of what the journey has to offer, and also i wonder if you have a pre-mapped journey you have to just follow, or if the world is your oyster so to speak. 

What happens if you have a pre – mapped out direction you must take, but go off the map in the wrong direction, can we really be to blame for that seen as no one gave us a map in the beginning to follow, we just have the ticket, unless of course we have this inbuilt instinct to just know the ” Right” paths to go down, or roads. 

Seems unfair in some instances if some have a stable non bumpy ride and some have terrible Turbulence and bumps to endure.  Which makes me think do we have the choice as to how quick we get to our destination?  Is it really up to the traveller to decide whether to sit back and enjoy the journey whether it be a long one or short one.  Or do they have the choice to rush it along, as not everyone likes a long journey and can be travel sick and so makes it all the more exhilarating to have a quicker route to take. 

When thinking about life and all it’s mystery’s, i can’t help but think of the notion of death and ask myself daily if the very idea of knowing you can bring about your own death at any time a comfort.  Its not going to be the nicest of blogs therefore, and might offend, or make people summarise that i am just not altogether there, which is maybe true but nevertheless i go on thinking such things, in a up and down roller coaster fashion of thinking its a good idea to get the hell out and other times deeply worried I’m just morbid and disturbed, so to start with what should be valued to most – Life:

So in defining life i would say we are given a ticket at birth, written on it is ” Destination - Death” Only those single words, nothing more.  It doesn’t tell you on the ticket how you will arrive at your destination, if you will be going First Class or economy, or even if you are going to get the window seat.  The ticket only tells you where you will ultimately arrive.  We all get this ticket, its one-way, non refundable and the delivery is guaranteed.